The End
by Spoofmaster
Summary: What happens when the Planeteers die? C'mon, you didn't really think they were the only set Gaia ever had, did you?


This story is co-authored with my brother, MysticButtCrystal.  Without his nocturnal habits and strange desire to watch Captain Planet at 3:30 every morning, this story would never have happened.

Disclaimer:  We don't own any of these characters, nor do we want to.

Verminous Scum was down in the South Pole (not just any part of Antarctica-the South Pole). 

"Where are all the penguinss?" wondered Scum.

"I think they live on the coasst, bosss," interjected Ratman Minion #1 with his obnoxious hissing voice.

"Oh," said Scum.

Scum and his ratman minions stood around the place where the penguins lived...near the coast.  Weren't you paying attention?

How many minions, you ask?  Hell, I don't know.  In his introductory episode he seemed to have around thirty (back then they also had these really sweet acid guns, but those have since disappeared), but the number's been fluctuating every episode since.  It seems to have leveled out at about one to three, though.

"Ork, ork," commented the numerous penguins.

"Perfect!" hissed Scum.  "Round them up!  Don't forget to pointlessly kill and torture a few too."

The ratmen gleefully ran about with strange, almost horny looks on their faces.  They poked and prodded the penguins with cattle prods, and the air was soon filled with the stink of burning feathers.

Wait, do penguins have feathers?  Ehhh, sure.

So anyway, they poked and prodded the penguins towards their large, rusty-looking tanker, which of course had some silly name painted on the side.  It was probably something like "Rat's Nest," or "Verminous Scow."

Ratmen, as you know, are really into lame jokes.

Anyway, the penguins were herded into it, many of them crying and clutching their young.

Yes, they were crying, with tears and everything, just like that rhino in that one episode about poachers killing rhinos for their horns.

And yes, they were clutching their young.  With their stubby wings. 

Also, the ratmen enjoyed separating them from their young as often as possible.  This was to reinforce the viewers' belief that the ratmen were inhumane and evil.

The Planeteers were playing golf on Hope Island.  They were wearing special golf outfits that had been drawn specifically for this episode and that would never be seen again.

Yeah, Planeteers, tell me how wrong wasteful over-consumption is.  I'm dying to hear about it from you.

Even Suchi the monkey with the hideous butt face that deserved to die for being so ugly and looking so much like a damn butt had a little golf outfit.

Wheeler was up, and he swung his club mightily.  The ball was successfully sent onto the green, but a large divot had been torn out of the ground, and lay pathetically at his feet, looking forlorn.  Wheeler ignored it and started to leave, but Linka caught his arm, pointed out the divot (which was crying), and gave a long, heartfelt speech about how you should always replace your divots because leaving them causes eagles to drop dead.

Gi then interjected, explaining something or other about desertification.  Kwame then said something or other about sportsmanship, and Ma-Ti discussed the fragility of the rainforest.  Small children across the nation groaned, and waited impatiently for the new Ninja Turtles episode to come on.

Wheeler repented of his evil ways, and replaced the divot.

Just then, Gaia's big transparent scary floating head appeared and informed them that there was an eco-emergency.

Wow, "eco-emergency."  Doesn't that get your blood pumping?  That can _really_ compete with Shredder, the Foot, and the Technodrome, eh?

Anyway, it seemed that Verminous Scum and his ratmen were introducing foreign animals into an ecosystem in an attempt to...I dunno.  Do something.

Aw, hell, we're not even going to pretend.  Everyone knows that the villains on the show polluted for the thrill of polluting.  Maybe they were perverts and it was the only way they could get aroused.  Who knows?

So, the Planeteers threw their golf outfits in the ocean and headed for Florida, where the evil ratmen were going about their filthy business.

"Hesizzlesizzlesizzlesizzlesizzle,"  chuckled (if you can call it that) Verminous Scum as he spied the Geocruiser approaching.  He and his ratmen then hid in a hole somewhere.

"Oh, no!" cried Gi, surveying the carnage. 

Well, there really wasn't all that much carnage.  The penguins were just kind of living in the Everglades.  They seemed a bit sweaty, and the less brainy penguins had long since died, but the rest really didn't seem to mind.  A few alligators lay around on the banks with distended bellies, but the transplant of penguins into Florida really didn't seem to have done much of anything else.

"Well, I guess it's kind of annoying," commented Wheeler when he saw what was happening.  "But I don't think it's really a problem."

The rest of the ethnic grab bag aboard the Geocruiser began another tirade about how moving animals from one place to another would inevitably doom the universe and make the sun explode.  Wheeler actually didn't mind much, as this gave him the opportunity to stare at Linka's mouth and fantasize about what he would like to put in it.

...Ew.

So, they landed and poked around for a bit, allowing for plenty of shots of animals with pained expressions on their faces toiling to survive in this new and suddenly penguin-dominated ecosystem.  Oh yeah, and Suchi jumped around and made noises.

Apparently toiling to survive involved a lot of swimming around and penguins occasionally getting eaten by gators.

Gi then started blabbing about how the penguins were eating the gators' food, carefully disregarding the fact that the penguins had indeed become the gators' food to the extent that they would probably all be killed soon anyway.

The ratmen took this as an opportunity to pop up and cause a confrontation.

Unwitty banter was exchanged, as well as loud, empty threats.    Eventually the ratmen captured Ma-Ti due to the fact that he was the show's buttmonkey, and ran off back to their tanker.

Ma-Ti lamented the fact that he was worse than useless, and did nothing to defend himself.  In fact, he was too out of shape to defend himself, despite having grown up in a jungle.  Maybe he was just malnourished, what with having grown up in some shithole third world country.

The Planeteers snuck aboard the barge and rescued Ma-Ti in an anticlimactic fight scene, and immediately summoned Captain Planet because of their inability to do anything for themselves.

Captain Planet helped them escape from the tanker while Verminous Scum climbed into his helicopter and took off.  Captain Planet then proceeded to do various inane acts.

First, he rounded up all the penguins, stuffed them in the tanker, and threw it back to Antarctica in order to satisfy his need to set both ecosystems right.  Once there, it crumpled on impact, killing every last one of the unfortunate birds.

While he did this, he made a bunch of moronic puns on the topic of penguins and flying, and generally made an ass of himself.

He then went on to grab Scum's helicopter, which apparently took off very slowly, allowing him to throw the penguins before he had to deal with it.  He then tied its blades into a large bow, made a bad pun about gift wrapping for the authorities, and threw it at the ground.

Fortunately, it landed directly on top of the Planeteers, crushing them all to death instantly.

Captain Planet then made a horrible pun about making a good impression before splitting back into the powers and going into the rings.

The authorities that had been called by the Planeteers arrived and took Scum into custody.  They decided to release him three weeks later for no reason.

If they hadn't, the show's creators would have had to make a new villain and having him practically get away with it with no punishment would illustrate to the children what the hippie writers felt were inadequate environmental protection laws.

Gaia was only slightly dismayed to hear that the Planeteers were no more.  She quickly set about recruiting new ones, and had soon made a new set.

There was Starshine Lovepuppy, the whiny American hippie.  She was perfectly suited to the task of being a Planeteer, having spent her entire life whining about one thing or another.  Like all hippies, she came from an upper middle class family and felt guilty about it.  She received the power of Fire, and replaced Linka as the mother character-you know, the caring and compassionate one.

From South America came Cuervo the freedom fighter.  In case you didn't know, in South America, "freedom fighter" means "terrorist bent on replacing the oppressive regime with his own oppressive regime."  Ironically, he received the power of Heart, but still went on to take over Wheeler's old role of "punk."

The European was Hermione, whose last name was not Granger.  Sorry, it's the only British girl's name we could think of.  She got the power of Wind, but really wasn't there for any real reason, and therefore replaced Ma-Ti as the buttmonkey.

In Japan, they picked up some cosplayer.  No one could figure out her name, since she did not speak English.  She got the power of Water, and would have been the sensible character who keeps it all on track (like Kwame was), but she didn't know what was going on, so she didn't.  She spent most of her time asking questions in Engrish.

William, the final Planeteer, came from Africa and was the know-it-all Gi had been.  He had been raised by very modern Africans.  After all, nerdy black guys are all the rage these days.  He got the power of Earth, which sort of suited him, except not. 

Whatever.  He just thought it was pretty cool to be able to control Earth.

So, Gaia got them all set up with fancy shmancy equipment and magical solar technology that she withheld from the rest of the population, and sent them off after Blight, who was dumping toxic waste down a storm drain somewhere in Arizona, most likely as part of her ongoing plan to make the Earth super polluted so she could sell her pollution tech.

"Ahahaha!" laughed Blight evilly, watching the waste drip down the drain.  "This is so amazing and cool!  No one but me could ever be clever enough to do this!  Ahahahaha!"

Mal the computer then bestowed various compliments on her, and there was a creepy sexual tension.  The writers didn't really mind though, since Mal was voiced by Tim Curry, and Tim Curry rocks.

Just then, the Planeteers showed up and Blight ran back to her super duper uber cool jet thing that ran on smog and was about a million times cooler than the Geocruiser AND had laser beams.

This resulted in a brief, unsatisfying dogfight, which ended with the inexperienced Planeteers colliding the Geocruiser into Blight's super cool jet thing.

There were no survivors.

"Damnit!" yelled Gaia.  "Now I have to get new ones _again_!

The search was on, and soon Gaia had cobbled together another group of multinational stereotypes and given them their rings.

"Let's go!" cried the "punk," Pavil, a boy from Russia.  Alejandro, Bryan, Kagura, and "Click Click Pop Pop" agreed.  They all dashed across the street in Arizona, where they had been sent to clean up the toxic waste.  They were all very eager to begin their fun new adventures as eco-aware heroes.

Of course, the semi driver was very eager to get his load of hogs to the slaughterhouse, and was driving very fast.  He was also not watching the road.  And he was drunk.  And short on sleep.

The Planeteers never knew what hit them.

"SHIT SHIT SHIT!" screamed Gaia.  Once more, she had to face the task of gathering a new set of Planeteers.  Once she had them assembled on Hope Island, she appeared to them in big transparent scary floating head form.

"Wooooaaaa," commented the stoner North American Planeteer who doesn't even get a name.  None of them do.  "It's, like, a hologram!" he commented as Gaia continued blabbing on about how the world was in danger and they needed to go give mouth-to-mouth on some porpoises or something.  Deciding the play with the big floating head, he stuck his arm in her mouth as it opened, figuring the head was insubstantial and that it would look funny.

Blood spurted everywhere as Gaia closed her mouth, accidentally chomping off his entire arm.

"Mmm," commented Gaia, smacking her lips.  "That was pretty good."

She then proceeded to eat all of the new Planeteers.  She burped up the rings, licked her lips, and looked around.

"Aw, crap," lamented Gaia.

There was nothing for it.  All her attempts at recreating her previous success had failed miserably. 

She went to the shed where she was storing the crushed bodies that had been killed by Captain Planet and Scum's helicopter.  She had left them there after prying the rings off their cold, dead, smashed fingers.  She then used her Earth magic to reform them into proper shape, and resurrected them.

"Uuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,"  moaned Zombie Kwame. 

She then proceeded to show the zombies a video of Hoggish Greedly, who was capturing various foxes and selling them as lunchmeat.  The zombies didn't comprehend any of this, but they still had screwed up memories of their past lives, and shambled over to the Geocruiser.

They flew to Britain, where the fox recycling program (as Greedly liked to call it) was taking place.  There, they shambled around and moaned at things, before Greedly came up and started threatening them.

"Uuuuurrrrthh," moaned Zombie Kwame.

"Faaaarrrrrrrrrrrrr!" replied Zombie Wheeler.

"Wiiiiiiiiiiiii," slurred Linka, just before her jaw fell off.

"Waaaa...waaaaa...waaa...durrrrrrrrrrrrrrr," stated Gi, who was also a Zombie, thus making her Zombie Gi...the Zombie.

"HuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhT," finished Zombie Ma-Ti.

"By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!" yelled Captain planet, flying up in the air and trying to look cool.  He failed, by the way.

He looked down in time to see the zombies shamble over to Greedly and eat his brain.

Captain Planet then made a bad pun about "brain food" and "food for thought."  The then grabbed the Planeteers and threw them into the sun, making bad puns about "heating things up."

THE END.

She ate them!


End file.
